If We Must
"Dammit Marco! That was a good take. The code is MARCBRIT15 for fifteen perfect off the first bottle," Brittany said, the agitation in her voice becoming more apparent after this fifth botched take. "You know I'd do this plug if I could, but it doesn't make sense for me to hawk boner pills-"
"They're not boner pills," Marco interjected. "They're an all-natural supplement meant to increase natural testosterone produc-"
"I don't give a shit what they do! What I do give a shit about is you reading the copy correctly so we can get paid for this video. You've been slipping a lot with the ad reads, especially since we lost Mustard."
"I told you not to bring that up! We're past Mustard! It's over and we can't keep beating ourselves up about it!" Marco said, now pointing a defensive finger at his wife.
He knew she wasn't beating herself up over it, only him.
It was only a few months earlier that Marco recklessly threw their Parker Family social media empire into a tailspin. Their home renovation YouTube channel and accompanying Instagram was heavily subsidized by their ongoing paid sponsorship from French's Mustard. Their videos, most of which involved convincing home owners to paint accent walls dark yellow and toss out all of the ugly ketchup bottles in the pantry, were always preceded, interrupted, and punctuated by advertisements for the tangy condiment. Life was good. They were rolling in sponsorship dollars and industry accolades, including Picnic Weekly's prestigious "Influencer Couple of the Year" award.
Things all came crashing down for the couple one fateful Tuesday, however, when a mid-afternoon TMZ headline reading "Mustard King Deign Not Indulge" flashed across the notifications on Brittany's phone. Attached to the snarky article was a candid recording of Marco vociferously rejecting the addition of mustard on his sandwich at a Pittsburgh deli.
"Don't put that nasty shit on my sandwich! I'd rather suck a bullet out of a gun than eat one more drop of that rancid garbage! Don't try me, bro!"
The audio was unmistakably Marco and the footage of him jumping the counter to assault the deli clerk threw away any pretense of plausible deniability. Within forty-eight hours, they'd lost their sponsorship with French's, their industry accolades, and posters on Twitter gifted Marco the title of "The Mustard Asshole."
The following weeks were the most difficult of their relationship. Twice, Brittany threatened leaving with the kids to live with her mother and the couple had to put their medium-sized mansion, dubbed "The Yellow House" by Food Housekeeping, on the market, where no one would submit a bid that didn't require a complete repaint of every surface inside and outside the house. It was only after Marco managed to scrounge together a meager sponsorship from a supplement company that he was able to convince Brittany to unpack her belongings and delete the divorce attorney from her phone's saved contacts. Things we're finally reaching a level of normalcy, but the passion was clearly gone. Marco took a deep breath and planned how he'd smooth out his outburst.
"I'm sorry," Marco said to his frustrated spouse, probably for the thousandth time. "I know things have been difficult and the blame is entirely on me, but we're gonna make this better. This is a new opportunity for us. The world is changing and it seems like there's nothing we can do about it. There's no grace for people who make mistakes anymore, only condemnation. It sucks!" He felt a sudden spark in him, the first in nearly half a year. "Cancel culture is running amok in our society and I'm sick of it! We can't sit back and let this country be stolen from us!"
"Wait!" Brittany felt the spark too. "Let me hit record!"
"We're going to rise up against the woke mob! There's a new condiment going on the American sandwich and it's common sense!" Marco felt a euphoric rush. The months of agony, the embarrassment, the disappointment: none of it was his fault. He was the real victim here and he wouldn't go down a coward. No, he's fighting back. He'll be a new champion for the silent majority. They'd forsake the yellow walls and mustard decor of days gone. From now on, they'd pivot to converting dens into cigars rooms and basements into home gyms. This all would be accompanied by a podcast, of course. It all felt so right to Marco that he didn't even need the ad copy anymore to sell testosterone.
"If you're ready to turn your pathetic, soy-laden life around, code MARCBRIT15 will be the start of the new you! Don't be a beta male, be a Parker Pro!"
Marco looked at the smile on his wife's face. She could feel it. He could feel it. This is them now. And they're only getting started.
